We arrived shortly after 8 p.m. on Friday evening. Our late start meant getting to the camp just before dark and by the time we had checked in, the bonfire and singing were well under way. I insisted on setting our things up before joining the others – much to Ira and Amelia’s dismay! They were so anxious to join the others because campfire singing and smores were on this evenings agenda! Never mind though – it didn’t take long and soon we joined the others, and had settled comfortably in the round wooden seating area that ssurrounded  the enormous cracking bonfire in the center.

Our little girl, less shy than us and no doubt spurred by her obvious love for Karisa, quickly made her way across the circle to Karisa, who was flanked on every side by friends and family, lyric sheets and flashlights in hand, engrossed in singing, “500 Miles,” and swaying together in unision. It was a photo moment, but I was too engrossed sitting next to Ira, and being lulled by the soft sounds of the fire, and the warm scent the soft breeze carried into the dark night with the large bright moom looming overhead, to move. 

It had been a race to get here, and I was more than ready to finally take a deep breath and relax. We had been well on our way when I discovered my new sunglasses had been left at home. Three days in the outdoors and me without sunglasses! I blamed it on Papa John who had stood like a sentry at the door, rushing me to get on my way and get going. before I was even done packing, I groaned silently to myself! But he is like that – one look at Ira putting his things in the car meant automatically that I needed to follow right after! So I hurridly shut my suitcase, and did a quick once-over before racing out myself.

I remembered glancing back, but not daring to come back into the house to do one last check of everything because there he was – still standing firmly at the door and urging us to get going. But arrive we did, and except for that one semi-small casualty, I think we brought everything else we needed to bring.

Let me back  up a little and tell you about Karisa. What can I say about my dear, dear friend? Karisa and I met at Global Volunteers. She and I didn’t exactly form a bond right away – for several years we hung around with different people, and casual smiles and waves were about the extent of our relationship. When an unexpected office move put us in rooms right next to each other, we found that we actually had more in common than we originally thought. I had secretly thought her too flighty and I am sure she thought I was too tame to be anything other than office associates! But to our surprise, we forged a close friendship that would continue to grow and eventually would include my little Amelia – who by the way, thinks Karisa is the by all and end all of fashion expertise!

Now that I am employed elsewhere, Karisa and I get together once a month for a lunch date and catch each other up on our life happenings. With both our lives being so hectic these days, our get-togethers for the most part have been monthly only, but I’m sure once things settle down we’ll see more of each other.

Karisa is marrying Pat – a childhood friend that connected with her later in life and became “the one.” Their wedding is taking place about two hours out of town in a picturesque summer camp nestled next to one of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes. The entire camp has been rented, and for three days all guests can enjoy all accomodations within, including bunk-style lodging, meals, entertainment – boating, swimming, lawngames - and the surrounding outdoor scenery that is absolutely breathtaking.

And so here we are! I’m dead tired, but excited for tomorrow and what it brings. My wonderful friend Ivy, who’s studying abroad in Africa should be arriving in the morning. The weather is fantistac so the wedding can be outdoors as planned and I suspect,  in the little gazebo I can see out my window. Everything is perfect!  Pat is incredible and loves Karisa to death! She is head over heels in love with him too and I think this is one marriage that truly is made in heaven, if you forgive me for using such an outdated, but in this case, clearly accurate cliche.

August 19th marked four years that Ira and I have been married. We celebrated by going to Kincaids, a local restaurant that’s one of those “special occasion” kind of places you go. It was fun – dressing up a little bit and enjoying the ambiance and the incredible dinner we were served.

I felt kind of bad though because Ira had bought me a gift that, try as I might, I couldn’t get enthused about. He gave me a brightly colored gift bag filled with all kinds of creams and lotions from a MaryKay consultant that he knows. 

You don’t buy stuff like that for someone else!!  I mean – I have certain brands that I’ve been using for years and – well I just felt so bad – he could see it in my face. It got icky for a while – because I can’t lie to him – so after some prodding I tried to gently explain it to him and of course he got hurt feelings and defensive and – why? WHY can’t I lie anyway, dammit!! Good grief!!! 

We worked it out. I’m asking the consultant if I can return what he got and pick out some more useful items, and he’s glad that I am sort-of keeping the gift – in a way, that is. I bought him gift certificates – Joe’s sporting Goods and Macy’s.

Got my hair done after work today. This new lady seems to really know what she’s doing – unlike the one who mess my hair up three months ago. I really have a good feeling about her – I think I finally found someone I can stick with! Bout time! I’ve been floating around for a while now.

One more week and my glasses should be in.   Excited to pick them up!   Still having a hard time and thinking about Cookie all the time. I hate August, and will be happy in a way to see it go – sad in another.

“Well, I woke up Sunday morning With no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt. And the beer I had for breakfast wasn’t bad, So I had one more for dessert. Then I fumbled in my closet through my clothes and found my cleanest dirty shirt. Then I washed my face and combed my hair And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day.” ~ Kris Kristofferson, 1969

I woke up this morning to a splitting headache, and I knew if I didn’t do something immediately it would morph into a migraine. Lucky me – the moment I woke up Ira to tell him about it, he raced to get me my pills, something to swallow them with, and grabbed one of those headache strips I’m always raving about, and which I immediately applied. Thank God the combination of everything worked and within an hour my headache was already starting to numb somewhat.

It could have really ruined my day had he not sprung into action like he did. I have to remember to thank him profusely when he wakes up again.

So here I sit on a now quiet Sunday morning, with the only sound being the overhead fan and Anabelle’s occasional snores – yes, my dear Saint snores and the soft sounds are quite dainty like her – not at all like the loud, overbearing noises that Ira sometimes emits! I never hear them if I go to sleep before him, but if I’m unfortunate enough to get to bed later, I am risking a chance that they’ll keep me up for hours!

Today I’m going to the eye doctor and ordering some new glasses. Much overdue and I’m excited. I’m trying to decide whether to get contacts or prescription sunglasses as well – benefits to both I guess and don’t want to spend the money on all three. Then Amelia and I are shopping for a first day of school outfit…. I’m thinking Gap or Justice – her two favorite shops… unless we find something new and exciting. Maybe a trip to the Mall of America would be fun for her… Have to see how much time we have.

My dear new friend Lori has agreed to make a quilt for Scarlett – and I’m so excited. Jas rarely gives me a chance to see her, and one night this idea came to me. If I could give my little granddaughter a blanket, my love would in a way, keep her warm, or maybe even comfort her on cold, winter nights. It would be almost like I was there in person. My friend is doing me the greatest favor because I know she’s so talented and she’s so intuitive about all of her works, that the blanket will be unbelievably beautiful and perfect for Scarlett. I hope with all my heart that someday I can do something as important for her, as she is doing for me.

Josh, Nikole and the babies had dinner with us yesterday. We ordered pizza from Hearthside – my favorite pizza place – but I still wasn’t fully recovered enough to have more than one piece of it. This damn bug just won’t go away! The kids were so cute as usual and I was so happy to see that the outfits I got them will fit perfectly. Nikole seemed to like them and of course that made me feel so good. Hayden is nearly walking – it looks like his crawling stage will be short-lived! That child is always smiling and his face is like that of an angel. Malaya has of course been walking awhile and I was surprised at her vocabulary. She is completely adorable and just as beautiful as her brother.

I’m so proud of them. Nikole starts college in a few weeks and Josh is getting lots of business doing car repairs now that he has business cards to hand out. I just ordered him 1,000 more today because he’s gone through the 500 we got him a month or so ago – I hope Ira doesn’t get mad about that – he usually doesn’t question what I buy. I know things are hard for them – they’re so young and I keep telling them to hang in there and they’ll get through the rough patches if they work together. How I wish someone would have encourage me when I was their age – not that I regret my life now – I just regret that it’s in so many different pieces with regards to my kids. I have to believe that somehow there must be a purpose in all of this. Still…. I keep reminding Josh and Nikole they don’t want to chose my road.

Josh’s mom has started talking to him again. He’s been doing car repairs for her, and I hope that’s not her only reasons for suddenly paying attention to him, but I didn’t tell him that of course. I keep reassuring him that she’ll come around – God I hope I’m right – it’s good that he has me, but he really needs her. All kids deep down need their parents….. hmmm, funny……. even as I say/think that I cannot help but add… … “cept mine of course!”.

On another note – Ira’s business is doing great – better and better every day. I’m really proud of him too.

Another sleepless night! Sometimes this gets old! Still suffering through whatever bug is bothering me and I hope I start feeling better soon. Seems like everyone I talk to knows someone who’s experienced the same thing and says it takes about a week to get rid of it. If that’s true, and that’s what I’ve got, I should be rid of it any day now. ::crosses fingers::

On another note – been listening to the Twilight books on my ITouch since all I feel like doing is laying around. Can easily see why they’re so popular – the movies don’t quite do justice to the actual books, although before listening to them I thought the movies were pretty great.

Mmmmm… Edward Cullen….

I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time updating my blog lately. I’ve been busy, but no more than usual – I’ve been sick – but that’s never stopped me before… .  Maybe I’m in a funk because it’s August, and August is always a hard month for me.

I remember my last words to Cookie. They were, “I’ll see you in an few days Cookie. I’ll cook you a nice dinner and you’ll get your bubble-butt back.” And then I told her that I loved her before saying goodbye.

I never did see my sister again – alive that is, and I would never cook for her the dinner she’d always rant and rave about.  In fact, nothing in my life would ever be the same, and there is no way I could have ever, in my wildest dreams, have forseen what was to come.

The next time I would see my dear sister’s face again, would be peering into a pink, silk-lined casket, carefully (and lovingly) picked out by my parents. And truth be told, if you had asked me, then, or even now, I couldn’t have told you unequivically that the body I was looking at, belonged to that of my beloved sister.  But in retrospect, I suppose that single bullet to her head would have changed her beautiful face, wouldn’t it?

And still, perhaps that’s one reason it’s been so hard to come to terms with her death – even after all this time. And maybe deep down, I have never believed it could have been her, despite the improbable – impossible odds, that it could have been anyone else.

Only someone who’s experienced the same could understand the gamut of emotions that run through one’s mind and the need to find reasons or the frustration of when you don’t. I know that. In my head I know that, but in my heart, I cannot possibly get past my pain, and my tears to fully try to understand it in any other way.

So anyway, it’s August and I’ve had a hard time updating my blog. But the more that I think about it, maybe I do know the reason after all.

I was thinking today that being laid off is like going through a bad breakup. There are sensitive ways to handle this kind of a loss, just like there are selfish and insensitive. I was also thinking that I have been through both types and in both cases.

Take my last job – actually you could, but seriously, you wouldn’t want it! For eight years I was in denial – looking at everything through rose-colored glasses and thinking I was in the best place possible. Oh sure – I had heard my share of horror stories during my time there- but that was from the “ex’s” -  ex employees who were bitter and more than happy to share the gory details of their past mistakes and how they were wronged.  But I thought I was different and if I proved myself to be loyal, it would never happen to me. Sound familiar?

Now, it’s not the actual laying off, or the break-up that I have a problem with. When a situation causes a change in the relationship, sometimes it just can’t be helped. I mean, after all, economies change and so do people. But to callously cast someone aside like last week’s newspaper with no thought as to their feelings, is pretty dispicable. I know that happens a lot. Any time you’ve given a part of yourself to someone or something – whether it be your time and devotion and/or your heart and your soul, it should count, and it should be of some worth, or importance.

At first you’re in a daze – walking in a dream-like state because it feels like you are in a dream.  When the reality of the situation suddenly hits you, often times depression sets in. There are the days that you can’t even get out of bed. You intended to, but you threw on a slip and that’s as far as you got.  And tears, from where ever they come, hurt the same – and the shame and loneliness that often follows can go on for months – years in some cases. Because how can you feel you really matter, when obviously, when it was so obvious you didn’t.

Then, as if enough wasn’t enough – some people turn to food for solace – or to pass the time – either is just as damaging. And now your problem just got bigger, because who would choose an overweight candidate over a trim and confident person who looks like they have the world by the tail?

Finally the day will come that you know you’ve suffered enough and it’s time to move on. You package your pain and you put it away, wiser, knowing you have joined the ranks of those who’ve learned the same lessons before you.

So yes, layoff’s and breakups – I’ve been through them both, and trust me – in the end – and in most cases, you will eventually find something, or someone that was better than what got left behind.

I have just been so swamped. Work, life, relationships – you name it. Seems like I’ll never get to a place in life where I can sit back and say I’m caught up enough that I can just sit back and relax.

Ira’s doing great. His business is finally taking off and he is constantly getting calls for quotes. He’s getting a lot of referrals which means his current customers like him a lot. I’m really proud of him and glad he’s not still working with our lame-ass brother-in-law who never appreciated his hard work and never contributed any of his own.  There’s a lot more I could say about him, but I’ll leave it at that – I’m hoping karma will take care of that for me.

Aside from work Ira’s been going to the gym with me and we’ve gotten a nice routine going.  I’m on one of the eliptical machines and he swims. My machine overlooks the swimming pool so I can actually watch him and when Amelia’s with, her too. 

I always say life is not fair and here’s an example. I am on that god-awful bike for 55 minutes each time and I’m not just pedaling for fun – I’m doing 60 + pedals per minute at a grueling resistance of 9 – which is the second highest resistance you can choose. Ira swims for an average of 15 – 20 minutes, sits in the steam room for  20 - 25 minutes and then takes enjoys a 10 – 15 minute shower. All the while I am pedaling my butt off. And guess who’s losing weight faster? Not me!

Amelia’s been doing great in her swimming class – she has gone from Polywog 1, to Polywog 2, to Guppy, to Minnow and is now in Fish. She’s hoping to graduate to Shark after this class ends. That little girl loves the water, just like her daddy, but is a little timid of it at times, just like me. I’m sure she’ll surpass my swimming skills by the end of the summer if she hasn’t already.

Amelia’s also been horseback riding all summer and is in riding camp this week. On Friday she’s in a competition so we’re driving to Rochester to watch her. I’m getting off early for work and Papa John is joining us along with her mom Lori, Grandma’s Susan and Judy and Grandpa’s Leigh, and Daniel. She’ll be so excited to show off her skills and we’ll all be excited to take pictures and videos and cheer her along!

Let’s see. What about me?  I’ve got so many projects going at home and I need to find time to do them – Kelsey’s DVD is finished but needs to be printed and mailed to her mom so she can hand them out. I’m so overdue for that and I feel terrible that it’s taken so long.  I’ve got so much organizing to do at home and I still haven’t completely finished my spring cleaning. I need to shampoo the carpets and oh my gawd – there’s so much I get tired just thinking of it all!

I’ve also got to finish this blog and determine what to do with my Live Journal one. And in talking to my new friend Lori the other day, I realized I no longer have my old blog entries on my hard drive. That really upset me and I need to go through all my old cd’s and put it back on. A lot of my life was in those entries and I need to get them back.

Ira and I are still in a financial mess after both of us being laid off and our brother-in-law running off with all the money he gave him for the down payment on the other business – plus the loans he took out to purchase stuff for it. People keep telling us things will turn around – and I know they will – but in the meantime we will have lost so much, that it will take forever to get back to where we were. This has been a whirlwind of a last few years. *sigh*

Yesterday’s mail contained a letter from Sarah. Sarah is the first girlfriend that Jeren was ever really serious about and we say she’s the one that got away. Her letter was filled with chit chat about the camp where she works as a counselor and the ups and downs of things that are happening with her.  As of recently she’s started talking to Jeren again but her letter made no mention of it. I don’t dare ask her anything, but I can’t help but hope there might be a chance at reconciliation. *crosses fingers*  I’m going to send her a care package this weekend to get her along a little bit. Regardless of whether her and Jeren ever become a couple again, we’ve always decided we were “keeping” her! 

I’m still loving my new Evo phone. God, I love technology. As much as I say I would love to have been born in the 50′s and experienced all those great 60′s songs first-hand, I would never give up being born in a time when all this new new technology has evolved. I will first and foremost always be a geek at heart I guess.

Discovered Photo Bucket this week at work and am excited to find time to start utilizing it. Watch for some really cool slide shows to come – and maybe even a little video!

I miss Scarlett. I wonder if she’ll ever know how much I love her.

Thank goodness it’s the weekend. It was hard going back to work after last week’s time off. We sure packed in a lot of things to do, but since we hadn’t planned any out of town trips, and everything was local, my vacation was more restful than in year’s past. It was a litle too restful actually!

Yesterday Ira took a day off to go to Rochester and drive truck with Amelia’s uncle Phillip. Phillip is going on vacation at the end of this month and he asked Ira if he’d be interested in taking his route for him while he’s gone. Of course Ira jumped on it because he loves to drive truck – I don’t think he’d ever want to leave his job to go back to that, but a week or so once in a while would be a nice diversion.  Ira loves to drive and and he has that whole “wide open space of the roads” mentality and I can tell he’s excited, although a little nervous since it’s been a while. So yesterday he did a practice run and I guess it went pretty well. I’m glad he took Phillip up on his offer, but at the same time, I know it’s going to be a really lonesome (and quiet) week for me when he’s gone.

In the past few days I’ve been conversing with a lady who is connected in a way to my past. I actually like her – which is surprising – not for me necessarily – but it would be for most people. You see, she is the woman who ended up with the guy who at one time I thought I would end up with. Don’t we all have one of those? We just all don’t make friends with the woman he chose after us! 

She’s a lot more intelligent than I gave her credit for and she’s surprisingly a lot nicer too. And unfortunately she was put through way more agony than I was due to her relationship with him. Talking to her has been theraputic because she understands things other people wouldn’t. And hopefully talking to me is a positive experience for her as well because I’d like to keep her as a friend.

She and I have a lot of things in common – likes and dislikes etc., and I can tell she has a little bit of a wild streak, or call it a rebel attitude that I recognise because I have the same. She’s an artist, but not in a snobby way – and the artwork she produces are original, and beautiful. She’s also an incredible mother to five really neat kids. There’s a lot to like about her, so I hope we can maintain a friendship throughout the years. 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s so important for women to bond together, to provide support, encouragement and friendship, not to tear each other down, in all facets of our lives,  because face it, we live in a “man’s world” and it’s an uphill battle sometimes just to surivive in it. 

Today we’re all going to the gym again. Amelia swims at her lesson, Ira swims and then gets in the steamer and I ride one of the bikes that overlook the pool area so I can watch them from above – when I’m not watching a movie on my ITouch that is! Seems that the only way I can keep up a steady pace on that gawd-awful and tortuous conglomerate of paint and metal is if I keep myeself preoccupied with a really good movie I’ve never seen!  

This afternoon Nikole and the babies are coming over so she can do some laundry. We had dinner together yesterday and that was fun – Malaya and Haydon are so adorable (I didn’t have my camera with me or I’d share).  And later, Ira, Amelia and I are going to the Ramsey County Fair. Amelia’s so excited about that – and I don’t blame her! I love the fairs too and maybe I’ll get on a ride or two with her and Ira.  I’m sure pictures will be forthcoming!

My first day back at work after a 9 day vacation. I thought it would be harder than it was, but to my surprise it went by fairly quickly. It was a steaming hot outside, but in the office, it felt like winter!  Good thing as it no doubt kept me on my toes – tonight I definitely need to get to bed earlier. Last night Ira had insisted we both get to bed early, but I was being stubborn and didn’t like his bossy attitude so I made a point of staying up longer than I should. Not the smartest idea because I paid for it today! Josh and Nikole were supposed to stop over but something must have held them up. We had a quiet night watching True Beauty, Nancy Grace and a rerun of King of Queens while I fit in a load or two of laundry. I’m thinking we act like an old married couple more and more each day.

Tuesday. My last day of vacation. I was planning to have a power laundry day, but my parents had decided to come for a visit. They had originally planned to come yesterday, but because my mom was recuperating from her awful ordeal, they decided to postpone it for a day.

I was so glad to see them but was worried about how my mom’s doing. And to be honest I had been worrying about my dad too because I knew he’s been really worried about her and it’s a long drive and I suspected he hadn’t been getting a lot of sleep.

We had such fun! My dad brought me a loaf of home-made banana bread – his specialty, plus freshly prepared waffles for me to freeze and eat later. That’s a really special treat for me because whenever I stay over at their house he gets up and makes me my favorite breakfast. His waffles are so special to me that I’ve never been able to bring myself to order them at a restaurant. Nothing can ever compare to his recipe – I’m sure of it!

My thoughtful dad had already separated my waffles in groups of three and all I had to do was get them in the freezer. “Let’s go,” my mom said as she waited outside. “Put them in the freezer so we can get going.” Not so fast Mother! I quickly grabbed one and popped it in the toaster before putting the others away, grabbing my purse, hunting down my keys, grabbing my now-toasted waffle and bolting out the door.  I purposely didn’t look at any of the dogs in the eye because that is always too gut-wretching and I feel so guilty leaving them behind. They know it too – it’s no secret I’m the weak link when it comes to taking them with us!

Our first stop was a designer thrift store I had heard about from some friends. I always make a bee-line for anything pink, but to my dismay I couldn’t see anything to run to!  I’ve been desperately searching for a purse to replace the one I’ve been using for over a year, and I couldn’t believe that out of an entire wall of at least 50 – not a smidgen of pink could be found! There were tons of shoes to choose from, but nothing I dared bring home to add to the over 300 pairs I currently own. Ira would surely kill me so I would have to see something really special to risk that!

For the average person, this store would definitely have something, but I’m obsessed with pink, so I left with just a sparkly pair of earrings that my mom treated me to.

Our next stop was Burlington Coat Factory where I happily snagged a pearl bracelet and matching necklace.  What a deal – under $10 for the both of them!  Again, no pink purses. Mom also got some jewelry and dad left empty-handed.

We had lunch at Baker’s Square and it was surprisingly delicious! I enjoyed watching the banter between my parents as my mom reminded my dad about the calories in french fries and wondered if he’d prefer the fruit instead. He gently reminded her that in her mad rush to get him out the door that morning he hadn’t had time for breakfast. The fruit won out as if there was ever any doubt. Married all these years and they still are as in love with each other as the day they first fell in love. If you ask my dad he’ll gladly tell you. I couldn’t help but envy them because as much as I love Ira, our lives are rarely in sync like theirs.

Our next stop was TJ Maxx and once again – no pink purses that I could either afford or liked.  We all left without finding a single thing to buy. Our last stop was Marshalls. Mom found some more jewelry and I found a purse for a mere $10 that will do till I find something better.  I also found a book for Scarlett called, The Day You Were Born.  It’s a gift book, written in poem form and tells an uplifting story of the importance of the day the recipient was born. I wished I would have the opportunity read it to her myself.

I also found a cute summer outfit that will look pretty with her matching blue eyes.  Her birthday is around the corner so I want to make sure to have everything bought so I can send it out in the mail in time. A few more trips should do it.

We got back to our house later than expected so after a quick hello and goodbye to Ira and Papa John, they left. I have to say it was pretty sad watching them drive away. Mom’s hospital trip was a harsh reminder that life can change at any given moment and you never know when that moment will arrive. She looked so beautiful today. You’d never know she had been sick except for the dark circles under her eyes that she had done a pretty good job of camouflaging.

I hope we find out what’s going on with her so we can fix it.