HappyHolidays!

It’s a Sunday morning and I’m sitting in my newly rearranged living room trying to decide how to spend my day. I KNOW how I SHOULD spend it, and I sure as hell know how I’d LIKE to spend it, and hopefully I can find a compromise that fills the needs of both!

We didn’t get Amelia this weekend and that always makes for somewhat of a letdown- if nothing else, a boring weekend. She’s spending time at Grandma Judy’s house and I guess we Jeren called me Friday and was in a bit of a “rent mess” and wondered if we could help him out. Yes I could – but to tell the truth, it was a case of, we’d rather be late for something than let him down. He is the only one who pays attention to me although in truth, I’d help any of them out  – except maybe Jas – she has done way too much, told way too many lies, costed me and Ira more than she’ll ever know,  and had too many chances for me to make amends at the drop of a hat.

But enough of that. Today is not for looking back – I have far too much to decide and to do.  Here is my list.

• I want a griddle – making pancakes is too hard in a pan. I know a griddle will help me produce mouth-watering and healthy breakfasts. So shopping for a griddle is on my list.
• I need to do laundry – my pinks are getting low and this is definitly a weekend job.
• I need to vacuum – Anabelle’s shedding and there is hair all over the place.
• I need to fix my Toshiba – it got shut off in the middle of MS updates and now doesn’t recognize the system drive.
• I need to get my information off the above mentioned Toshiba – my holiday card address have not been transferred to my new laptop.
• I need to dance to the new Grease Dance game that Ira bought me.
• I need to read my Google Analytics book for work – add to that my WordPress and Joomla books.
• I need to walk the dogs.

That’s it so far. So let’s get on with my day.

It’s the weekend and I’ve been playing our X-Box with Amelia. We downloaded a trial version of “Grease Dance” and were practicing the moves for the ”Greased Lightening” song. It was so much fun, because she loves it as much as I do!  Wonder if I’ll lose a little weight doing this! After a few hours on it, we’re both really anxious to get the full version!

In a few days I’ll have the consultation with my cardiologist. I’m in limbo till then – trying to hope for the best, while preparing myself for whatever she says. I’ve been through a lot and so far have always been able to overcome anything that’s happened to me so hopefully  this will be the same. ::crossing fingers::

So far this weekend, I’ve gotten Mister Snickers and Chanel groomed, did some shopping. got Scarlett’s Halloween surprise mailed, shopped for groceries and am just preparing to go out to dinner and then return home to make lasagne for a co-worker.  Will be a busy evening before I get to bed, I can already tell.  October is nearly over. I can’t help but wonder, what’s next?

Lots of things are behind me these days.  My oral surgery is nearly healed and soon I’ll be able to eat anything I want.  I am experiencing little to no pain and because of that, my migraines are nearly gone as well.  And after today, my stress test is behind me and all that’s left to do, is wait for the results.

I have a four-day work week, and a weekend to go until I hear.  On the one hand, I’m nervous, but on the other, I just want it to be over with – dealing with something, I can deal with - but dealing with the unknown, is scary.

I called my sister today. foolish me – I thought she would put her petty differences behind, but as usual, I underestimated her ability to hold a grudge and to care about me more than she hates Mel. She just can’t get over the fact that I didn’t divorce him when she did, and after telling me that, she hung up.

That was the last straw for me. I’m tired of it all. It’s been a year since I’ve talked to my mom and longer with my brothers – if you can call them that. And I’m done with conditional and on and off relationships. Someone told me once that often times it’s the people you love the most, that are the most toxic to you. That has always resinated with me because it’s so true in my case. Seems like my tooth surgery isn’t the only thing I’m leaving behind.

Till next time,

Last Thursday I had oral surgery – should have been a slam dunk, but just my luck, it’s been nothing short of hell. Pain from my surgery triggered a migraine that lasted three entire days. And then the migraine got so intense that I couldn’t hold anything down, which included the pain medicine for my jaw and the antibiotic medicine I was prescribed. That resulted in a lack of healing, which brought on more pain, which only intensified the throbbing, which intensified the migraine, that induced the vomiting, which caused…. do you get where I’m going with this?

It was a vicious circle that resulted in Ira rushing me to the emergency room with another of my migraine ordeals and six hours of poking, prodding, needles, and an array of machines testing everything you can think of. Okay – maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it felt like it.

After I talked to a doctor about my symptoms, he left, and a series of nurses and technicians returned with all sorts of wires, needles, and machines on wheels.  I was dehydrated so an IV was inserted in one arm, while blood was drawn from another, and then a shot of Novocain was painfully inserted into my gums. I was hooked up to a machine that checked my blood pressure every ten minutes, and an ECG machine that monitored my heart rate. Finally I was given three shots of something that once combined, would relieve me of my migraine, (don’t know what it was, and truth be told, didn’t care at that point), and honestly, I nearly cried when it worked. For the first time in three days, I was pain free, and gawd, did that feel good.

But then, the doctor returned and told Ira and I that an abnormality showed up in my heart scan and that I need to see a cardiologist about it this week. What was detected was a “left bundle branch block.” Talk about going from a high to a low. So I made an appointment for tomorrow and hopefully things will look a little brighter.

After looking that up, I’m a little scared if you want to know the truth, but I’m hoping for the best like I always do. It might answer a few questions I’ve had though about  a few things going on with me.  I guess I have to wait and see.

There have been so many things going in in my life and I barely have enough time to sort them out, much less talk about them here. I’m going to bullet some and maybe come back at a later time and explain in more detail.

Yesterday I had a tooth extracted and an implant was placed where a previous tooth was pulled. Nikole and Alex brought me there and back and when I got home, I mistakenly went to bed instead of having Ira fill my prescription for pain. I woke up in complete agony a few hours later. Never making that mistake again. Today I am really miserable and the pain medication isn’t cutting it. My whole jaw hurts and I can barely open my mouth. Some would say that’s a blessing I guess.

Suicide #1. I thoughtI was through with suicide, but once again someone dear to me decided to end her life early and I know only too well what that does to all the friends and family left behind. Life is so hard sometimes and I’ve even considered it myself, but in the end, I knew the repercussions would be worse than trying to work out whatever was so hard for me to live with. I don’t say that lightly… I’m just saying it.

Work. My job is a mixed blessing. I really do love my co-workers. Leaving my job at Global Volunteers, I never believed I’d find a place to work with friends half as good as those I was leaving behind, but yet here I am. My two bosses here are as straight-forward, good-hearted and fair as much as my previous were dishonest, selfish and self-serving. But my delemna lies with the job itself. The work is challenging, but not in the way I imagined, and I don’t feel as on top of my game as i did at my previous job. Maybe I’m trying too hard to prove myself, or maybe I need to be more refreshed when come into work in the morning. In other words don’t stay up late worrying about things I can’t fix. The pressure I put on myself is enormous.

Ira. Ira’s been in a two-month training program at a job that pays well, but demands a lot. He’s been really stressed out because there’s so much to remember and he has barely 60 days to learn it. I know he’ll manage just fine when he has to, but don’t think he shares my confidence. We rarely see each other – he gets up every day at 6:30 p.m. and leaves for work an hour and a half later. He won’t be home again till 10 or 11 the next morning. The time he’s awake – 6:30-8 p.m. is spent showering, dressing, making sandwiches and packing his lunch bag. It’s a hard schedule, but leaves no time to bicker! His paychecks are awesome, and we’re finally able to catch up on things. Another mixed bag.

Amelia: Amelia’s still so beautiful – inside and out. I am so lucky to be part of her life. This weekend she has a horse show competition and I’m excited and so proud of her. I’m not sure if I can go because of the pain I’m in so I’ll have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow. Everything with her is good.

Our furry babies: Myrtle Anabelle, Mr. Snickers and Coco Chanel are all doing good too. Because I’m their sole “potty-taker-outer” again, they are back on a 4xday schedule. With winter coming, that is a good thing. Myrtle Anabelle shows litle signs of aging even though she is 8 now. For a Saint, that’s getting up there. Mr. Snickers is so happy to be *retired* but occasionally he forgets and thinks he’s leaving with Ira. He gets over it quickly though because those trips were not the greatest for him and he only went to protect his boy. We still call him the “professional sleeper” because that’s exactly what he is! Coco Chanel is doing fine too – she’s the *tough* one of the group – the first to bark and her, “You better stay away from us,” attitude is quite amusing at times – especially when the subject is ten times the size of her! Jun is going on 12 but looks like a spry young tom. He is still sweet as can be, quite demanding and bossy, but for the most part, devoted entirely to me – except when someone is offering him treats. He’ll ditch anyone for treats! Loves Papa John because he feeds him by hand.

Sofi. Sofi has been running pretty good. I was starting to wonder about that quote the Volkswagon garage gave me (about so many things being in need of repair), when a new problem popped up. The brake light keeps going on. Worse yet, everytime it lights up, a loud beep emits and continues intermittantly – major annoyance – especially since the brakes were recently tested and checked out fine. I’m going to make an appointment with a local car repair company that we’ve hired before and that we’ve trusted. Am not going back to the Volkswagon garage again. There are not too many convertible days left, but am trying to make the most of the ones we have. I still love Sofi and think she’s the best car I’ve ever owned.

Domestic Abuse and Suicide #2. A friend of mine has been going through the worst time ever. Her husband has been abusing her for years – mentally and physically. She’s been through so much, and another of her friends and I, have been helping her in whatever way we can. It is so hard to watch someone go through that and you really can’t do anything, but be there and to remind her that she deserves better. She finally left him, and in a last-ditch effort he attempted to commit suicide, hoping that would hold her. It didn’t. Now, he is alive, but left with serious medical issues, and alone. She is away, but going through another kind of hell. It is such a sad, horrible situation.

Jas, Mat, Mych, Jeren and Scarlett. That is such a painful situation to talk about. I dream of the day when things will ever be normal with us, but deep inside wonder if that’s all it ever will be – a dream. Mat turned 30 a few days ago and I mistakenly facebooked that it was 29. Another sin I will no doubt be held accountable for. My bad math will overshower my love and I will always lose. Scarlett started school and I was not there to see it. It broke my heart. Jeren keeps in touch with me, but I know how fragile that is and I am always on a leash as far as what things I can and cannot say to him. That is not how things are supposed to be with a mom and her son.

That is it for now. I’ll write more later.

There are blue skies, and there are blue skies. Some are bright with splashes of fluffy white clouds that float aimlessly, in no specific direction, bumping into each other and then going along their merry way again, morphing into shapes of anything you can imagine. I love those skies, and it matters not to me if some of those clouds fill up with water to the point that they burst uncontrolably, spilling huge droplets of rain upon me and everything else that lies beneath them. Because I think maybe in another life I was a duck – but then that is an entirely different story and one I am not in the mood to talk about today.

It is those other blue skies that I think of with such distaste that it makes me literally cringe, and that we’re now experiencing in Minnesota. Like a dull, blue-grey, heavy blanket that hovers above us, it signals the coming of at least nine months of what I call pure hell. The thought of below-freezing temperatures, accompanied by ice and snow and glistening icicles that drip meanacingly off every rooftop, send chills down my spine just to think of it. My gawd, I hate what winter brings.

September, where did you go?

It’s a Minnesotian tradition – the state fair with all it’s noise and commotion, booths offering foods of everythng imaginable (if you can put it on a stick, they’ll do it) and well-stocked venders only all too happy to hawk it to you. The rides are colorful with bright neon lights that flash and if you’re there at night, they light up the evening sky. The people – well the people are as diverse as you can imagine – every size, every shape, every age, and because of the current obsession with tatoos, every color too! A people watcher’s dream come true, that’s for sure.

This year’s fair didn’t do it for me as in previous year’s past. It might have been that bacon on a stick that I had and that would subsequently get me sick and keep me up all night. Or it might have been that I intentionally skipped the butterfly booth – an earlier visit this year really saddened me because there were so many dead butterflies all over the floors and people were just stepping on them like they were nothing. For some reason I just couldn’t get into the swing of it all like I have in previous years’ past. Still, it was fun and of course watching Amelia have fun is worth the trip no matter what.

One hightlight of the fair was the mysterious and flamboyant woman who painted my face. Amelia wanted hers done so on a whim I thought, “Why not me too!” We walked to the little booth where the painting was being done and we both picked empty seats and sat down. While Amelia explained to her painter what design she had chosen, I on the other was staring quietly ahead, mesmerized by the beautiful woman who sat across the tiny table from me. She too was quiet, and turned her head slightly as if in deep thought. This exchange of looks took a bare second or two, but it seemed much longer. And then as if some kind of spell had been broken, we both snapped out of it, and before I could tell her what I wanted, she said, “I know what you want,” in a thick and very prounced, Europeon accent.

And then the woman proceded to paint away, dipping her brush into the various colors on her paint pad. “Elvis loved loved pink and black,” she said. “Probably as much as you do,” she added. I listened quietly as she continued to paint and talk and only when she had sprinkled sparkles on top of her design did she let me see a mirror. I laughed and told her she DID know what I wanted, and she smiled at that! Then she looked me in the eye and said, “I know you. And I won’t forget you.” I paid her, hugged her and walked out with Amelia, who was finished as well. As we contined on our way I had a feeling that something important had just transpired, but I wasn’t sure what it was. One thing I was sure about though is it was not likely I would forget her either.

It’s almost the end of summer, and Sofi is doing great. After being told by the dealership that she has numerous problems that need to be fixed asap, and her driving me all over the place with no problems at all, I am beginning to doubt them. My shifting has improved to the point of Amelia grading me a 9.5 out of ten (I got .5 knocked off because of a small incident on the hill by my house) and I’m not afraid of freeway driving anymore.

I love her. I love looking at her and I love driving her with the top down and my hair flying all over the place! I especially love driving her at night – under a black sky speckled with bright, shining stars and a beautiful big white moon looming in the middle of it all. And maybe Jackson Browne, John Dylan or Janis Joplin tunes blasting through the air, breaking the silence as I cruise smoothly through a warm and gentle wind. It is pure heaven, if you ask me!

With September just around the corner I find myself dreading the coming of winter. I am so past the point of wanting to take on a winter sport because I just don’t care anymore. I want to leave Minnesota and until then prefer to huddle inside and have indoor, and warm, fun.

Tomorrow night I’m going to see a psychic with some ladies from work. Some really werid and unexplainable things have been happening to me and I want to see if she has any answers. I also want to know if Cookie has any advice for me like she used to always have. My big sister was never without an opinion and I miss that so bad. Man, that saying, “You never know what you had till you lose it,” sure does ring true for me at times.

I don’t even know where to begin, so let’s start a little more with Sofi. My beautiful Sofi has definitely been a mixed bag of good fortune and bad. I love that she is a convertible, and even though I never thought I’d learn to drive manual shift, I can tell you now it is my transmisioni of choice. Through her, I have reaffirmed that if I really want to learn to do something, there is nothing that can stop me from doing so.

But Sofi’s problems needed to be fixed and I wasn’t too worried because along with her, I had purchased that “new car policy.” For approximately $150 a month, I was covered for pretty much anything that came up, I was told – just like a new car. The salesman asked that I wait a month before bringing it in because we had identified a few things that needed to be looked at right off the bat.

So Sofi sat in our apartment garage practically 100 percent for the first month and a half, looking beautiful, but forlorn, as I had never driven anything but an automatic. That, compiled with the fact that Ira left for three weeks the day after she was purchased, meant I had no one to teach me. There was the day I spent $50 and got a 20 minute lesson from a friend of a friend, but that didn’t help much and I couldn’t exactly afford to do that more than once. Ira coming back a week early from his job helped a tiny bit, but he was crabby and cross and not the best teacher so we only got in one 30 minute lesson before he was gone for another week. During this time I was paying for a rental car and I was tired of the over-inflated prices and the “deal you can’t beat” speeches that really weren’t a deal at all. So one day after some careful thought, I asked Eshaka to drive my rental back and I drove Sofi all by myself back to Eshaka’s home and then to mine.

For nearly two weeks Sofi and I got to know each other and it was a journey of tears and joy, because as much as I love her, like I said, she was a nightmare to learn. Through tears I have waited mid-hill for impatient drivers to pass me up and go around so that I can release my foot from the clutch before sliding backwards and then zooming ahead to move through the stoplight. With fists cluftched tightly at the steering wheel, I would stare straight ahead and softly whispered to myself, “Turn green, turn green. Please turn green,” or, “Stay green. Please stay green,” as I made my way down city streets dotted with street lights at nearly every corner. I became adept at strategically adjusting my speed so that I could pass through without having to stop. And yes, my routes were planned by stoplight locations, not by distance or coffee shop locations.

There is this big hill just a block from where I work and at the top sits a dreaded stoplight, which rarely works in my favor. More than once it held me hostage and in tears, the combined terror of worrying I would be late for my job, and at the same time frustrated that I couldn’t get past it for fear I would roll back into whatever vehicle had nudged up way too close to my rear bumper. But I remember this one day that I approached it, tired of being the victim and so I expertly, yes, expertly pushed the clutch in and breaked slowly, then released the clutch and simultaneously pressed the gas while seamlessly moved ahead, past the corner, and past that god-forsaken nightmare of a light! “I did it you f***er,” I yelled as I turned the following corner and glanced behind me. “The road doesn’t rule me! I WIN!”

My joy was somewhat short-lived however because by April 29 I had Sofi brought to the dealer from where she was purchased for what should have been a three-day repair. And though I didn’t know it at the time, it would be two long months before I would see her again. The loaner I was first given was a black Kia, with no air conditioning and that was automatic. I drove that car for a month before it was exchanged for a dark grey Escape – another automatic, but this time with all working parts. I wasn’t so thrilled with the Escape, but it was a nice car with hookups for my phone and my IPod. Still, I worried those two months about getting Sofi back. Would I remember how to drive her, or would I have to learn all over?