It’s a retrospective morning for me, and justly so. In a few days starts the beginning of my Jewish New Year and with that begins ten days of looking back at my deeds throughout the past twelve months. We Jews are supposed to take stock of those things we’ve done – both good and bad - make amends where needed, and then ask that God will give us his blessing throughout the next twelve months.

And no, don’t worry. I’m not going to bore either of us with my transgressions, be they big or small, that I think I’ve commitited, and as I say that I’m reminded of a Jackson Browne tune that closes with the line, “These days I’ll sit on corner stones and count the time in quarter tones to ten … my friend. Don’t confront me with my failures – I had not forgotten them.”

Jackson Browne songs are unforgettable, and I wryly follow that thought with the wish that the person who introduced me to them to me, was not. That’s another story for another time I guess, and really not all that important in the scheme of life. Today I’m thinking about things I’ve done and wondering about what things I need to do be a better person so next year at this time, I have less to think about. 

I’m also thinking about the big roast Ira bought yesterday at the butcher shop and that needs to be put in the oven. We are having Josh, Nikole and the babies over for dinner – I can’t wait to see them – if I go too long I get lonesome and if I try real hard it almost feels like they are truly mine and I’m having a typical family day like other families do. Amelia feels the same way, I know. That child is so sensitive and loving and I know she misses her older siblings as much as I do.  Anyway – we’re having the kids over and it promises to be a beautiful day – in a billion ways! 

Nikole has started college and I’m so excited to hear about that, and Josh says his backyard mechanic business has really picked up. I can’t begin to express how proud I am of those two. At 20 and 21 they are far more ambitious and mature than I ever was, and the love they share for their babies is so beautiful to experience.  I try to help them whenever I can, slipping money here and there and hoping Ira doesn’t get mad about it, all the time knowing I couldn’t help myself from doing so even if he did. I remember times in my life when people did the same for me, and how can I not do the same for them?

On a completely other note, I haven’t mentioned our upcoming election in Minnesota. After years of suffering through unfair budget cuts by our republican governor Pawlenty, who criticizes the poor and fills the pockets of the rich, we have the chance in November to replace him with Mark Dayton, the democratic candidate who beat out Margaret Anderson Keliher in the primaries. It’s a beyond-scary time because Dayton thus far isn’t panning out to be the shining star that we need to lead us to a democratic victory, and if Tom Emmer – the republican choice is elected – we can only expect more and worse of what we’re currently enduring.

Worse yet, there’s been talk for awhile of Pawlenty being groomed for an upcoming presidential run, and if he were ever elected, it would put me over the edge. I can actually feel my blood pulsing through my body as I reflect upon this - and maybe that’s why I haven’t talked about it! Remember Shirliana – your thoughts – your reflections – and your need to have God’s blessings in the upcoming year!

With my cappuccino nearly gone,  floors still waiting to be washed, and that business with the roast, I need to wrap this up and get started on my upcoming family day. ITunes music has been replaced with sounds of the Jerry Lewis Telethon and restless pups are wanting to go out for potty breaks and the ever important yard patrol. It’s a good time to say goodbye and wish you well on this 2010 end of summer Labor Day.

Anyway – we’re back, we’re healed, and we’re kinda getting on with life as we know it. And now, after a week of working at work and the State Fair, I’m glad I’m looking at a long weekend before I get back to it again. I really needed a break!

Heard from an old friend on Facebook and I was so excited! As much as what people complain about it, for me, the positive features completely outweigh any negatives ones there may be. I got an email from a woman who used to be my very and dearest best friend in 5th and 6th grade! We probably never would have hooked up if it wasn’t for Facebook.

Back then we lived in this really small town. If you were not into sports, or any other extra-curricular activity, you were kind of considered dirt. And trust me – I was into nothing. I was what you call – “everything-challenged!” I was – tiny, toothpick skinny, gawky, shy beyond belief, and so unbelievably insecure, AND I was the easiest target for most of my classmates who were looking for someone to pick on and bully. My friend helped me get through it and never once did she make me feel ashamed of who I was – she was probably just as gawky, but lucky for her, somehow she was able to escape all the riddling that I endured.

Elaine and I were such close friends, but when my family moved away, her and I completely lost touch. THAT was the summer I started to “evolve” and before I knew it, I had a girlie shape and learned about makeup and hair styling. In my new school I quickly made friends and forgot all about the misfit, I used to be.  For a long time, I forgot about my friend as well.

Anyway we have now hooked up and it turns out that she’s as geeky as I am – although in somewhat different ways. For instance she’s a huge Lord of the Rings fan – while I lean more toward being a Trekkie (Trekker). While I went on to marry and have kids, she’s remained single all her life. It was soooo good to chat with her via Facebook and I hope one of these days we’re able to do it in person.

Not too much new is going on here. I made grooming appointments for the pups today. So next Tuesday they’re all going to get done at the same time and then on Wednesday they have their doctor appointments together too. Myrtle Anabelle is due for a dental cleaning and Mr. Snickers and Chanel are getting their yearly comprehensive exams. Glad to get all that out of the way in just two day’s time.

I guess it’s about that time. I’m going to play WoW for a little bit and call it a night.  Sweet dreams all.

Our little girl, less shy than us and no doubt spurred by her obvious love for Karisa, quickly made her way across the circle to Karisa, who was flanked on every side by friends and family, lyric sheets and flashlights in hand, engrossed in singing, “500 Miles,” and swaying together in unision. It was a photo moment, but I was too engrossed sitting next to Ira, and being lulled by the soft sounds of the fire, and the warm scent the soft breeze carried into the dark night with the large bright moom looming overhead, to move. 

It had been a race to get here, and I was more than ready to finally take a deep breath and relax. We had been well on our way when I discovered my new sunglasses had been left at home. Three days in the outdoors and me without sunglasses! I blamed it on Papa John who had stood like a sentry at the door, rushing me to get on my way and get going. before I was even done packing, I groaned silently to myself! But he is like that – one look at Ira putting his things in the car meant automatically that I needed to follow right after! So I hurridly shut my suitcase, and did a quick once-over before racing out myself.

I remembered glancing back, but not daring to come back into the house to do one last check of everything because there he was – still standing firmly at the door and urging us to get going. But arrive we did, and except for that one semi-small casualty, I think we brought everything else we needed to bring.

Let me back  up a little and tell you about Karisa. What can I say about my dear, dear friend? Karisa and I met at Global Volunteers. She and I didn’t exactly form a bond right away – for several years we hung around with different people, and casual smiles and waves were about the extent of our relationship. When an unexpected office move put us in rooms right next to each other, we found that we actually had more in common than we originally thought. I had secretly thought her too flighty and I am sure she thought I was too tame to be anything other than office associates! But to our surprise, we forged a close friendship that would continue to grow and eventually would include my little Amelia – who by the way, thinks Karisa is the by all and end all of fashion expertise!

Now that I am employed elsewhere, Karisa and I get together once a month for a lunch date and catch each other up on our life happenings. With both our lives being so hectic these days, our get-togethers for the most part have been monthly only, but I’m sure once things settle down we’ll see more of each other.

Karisa is marrying Pat – a childhood friend that connected with her later in life and became “the one.” Their wedding is taking place about two hours out of town in a picturesque summer camp nestled next to one of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes. The entire camp has been rented, and for three days all guests can enjoy all accomodations within, including bunk-style lodging, meals, entertainment – boating, swimming, lawngames - and the surrounding outdoor scenery that is absolutely breathtaking.

And so here we are! I’m dead tired, but excited for tomorrow and what it brings. My wonderful friend Ivy, who’s studying abroad in Africa should be arriving in the morning. The weather is fantistac so the wedding can be outdoors as planned and I suspect,  in the little gazebo I can see out my window. Everything is perfect!  Pat is incredible and loves Karisa to death! She is head over heels in love with him too and I think this is one marriage that truly is made in heaven, if you forgive me for using such an outdated, but in this case, clearly accurate cliche.

I felt kind of bad though because Ira had bought me a gift that, try as I might, I couldn’t get enthused about. He gave me a brightly colored gift bag filled with all kinds of creams and lotions from a MaryKay consultant that he knows. 

You don’t buy stuff like that for someone else!!  I mean – I have certain brands that I’ve been using for years and – well I just felt so bad – he could see it in my face. It got icky for a while – because I can’t lie to him – so after some prodding I tried to gently explain it to him and of course he got hurt feelings and defensive and – why? WHY can’t I lie anyway, dammit!! Good grief!!! 

We worked it out. I’m asking the consultant if I can return what he got and pick out some more useful items, and he’s glad that I am sort-of keeping the gift – in a way, that is. I bought him gift certificates – Joe’s sporting Goods and Macy’s.

Got my hair done after work today. This new lady seems to really know what she’s doing – unlike the one who mess my hair up three months ago. I really have a good feeling about her – I think I finally found someone I can stick with! Bout time! I’ve been floating around for a while now.

One more week and my glasses should be in.   Excited to pick them up!   Still having a hard time and thinking about Cookie all the time. I hate August, and will be happy in a way to see it go – sad in another.

I woke up this morning to a splitting headache, and I knew if I didn’t do something immediately it would morph into a migraine. Lucky me – the moment I woke up Ira to tell him about it, he raced to get me my pills, something to swallow them with, and grabbed one of those headache strips I’m always raving about, and which I immediately applied. Thank God the combination of everything worked and within an hour my headache was already starting to numb somewhat.

It could have really ruined my day had he not sprung into action like he did. I have to remember to thank him profusely when he wakes up again.

So here I sit on a now quiet Sunday morning, with the only sound being the overhead fan and Anabelle’s occasional snores – yes, my dear Saint snores and the soft sounds are quite dainty like her – not at all like the loud, overbearing noises that Ira sometimes emits! I never hear them if I go to sleep before him, but if I’m unfortunate enough to get to bed later, I am risking a chance that they’ll keep me up for hours!

Today I’m going to the eye doctor and ordering some new glasses. Much overdue and I’m excited. I’m trying to decide whether to get contacts or prescription sunglasses as well – benefits to both I guess and don’t want to spend the money on all three. Then Amelia and I are shopping for a first day of school outfit…. I’m thinking Gap or Justice – her two favorite shops… unless we find something new and exciting. Maybe a trip to the Mall of America would be fun for her… Have to see how much time we have.

My dear new friend Lori has agreed to make a quilt for Scarlett – and I’m so excited. Jas rarely gives me a chance to see her, and one night this idea came to me. If I could give my little granddaughter a blanket, my love would in a way, keep her warm, or maybe even comfort her on cold, winter nights. It would be almost like I was there in person. My friend is doing me the greatest favor because I know she’s so talented and she’s so intuitive about all of her works, that the blanket will be unbelievably beautiful and perfect for Scarlett. I hope with all my heart that someday I can do something as important for her, as she is doing for me.

Josh, Nikole and the babies had dinner with us yesterday. We ordered pizza from Hearthside – my favorite pizza place – but I still wasn’t fully recovered enough to have more than one piece of it. This damn bug just won’t go away! The kids were so cute as usual and I was so happy to see that the outfits I got them will fit perfectly. Nikole seemed to like them and of course that made me feel so good. Hayden is nearly walking – it looks like his crawling stage will be short-lived! That child is always smiling and his face is like that of an angel. Malaya has of course been walking awhile and I was surprised at her vocabulary. She is completely adorable and just as beautiful as her brother.

I’m so proud of them. Nikole starts college in a few weeks and Josh is getting lots of business doing car repairs now that he has business cards to hand out. I just ordered him 1,000 more today because he’s gone through the 500 we got him a month or so ago – I hope Ira doesn’t get mad about that – he usually doesn’t question what I buy. I know things are hard for them – they’re so young and I keep telling them to hang in there and they’ll get through the rough patches if they work together. How I wish someone would have encourage me when I was their age – not that I regret my life now – I just regret that it’s in so many different pieces with regards to my kids. I have to believe that somehow there must be a purpose in all of this. Still…. I keep reminding Josh and Nikole they don’t want to chose my road.

Josh’s mom has started talking to him again. He’s been doing car repairs for her, and I hope that’s not her only reasons for suddenly paying attention to him, but I didn’t tell him that of course. I keep reassuring him that she’ll come around – God I hope I’m right – it’s good that he has me, but he really needs her. All kids deep down need their parents….. hmmm, funny……. even as I say/think that I cannot help but add… … “cept mine of course!”.

On another note – Ira’s business is doing great – better and better every day. I’m really proud of him too.

On another note – been listening to the Twilight books on my ITouch since all I feel like doing is laying around. Can easily see why they’re so popular – the movies don’t quite do justice to the actual books, although before listening to them I thought the movies were pretty great.

Mmmmm… Edward Cullen….

I remember my last words to Cookie. They were, “I’ll see you in an few days Cookie. I’ll cook you a nice dinner and you’ll get your bubble-butt back.” And then I told her that I loved her before saying goodbye.

I never did see my sister again – alive that is, and I would never cook for her the dinner she’d always rant and rave about.  In fact, nothing in my life would ever be the same, and there is no way I could have ever, in my wildest dreams, have forseen what was to come.

The next time I would see my dear sister’s face again, would be peering into a pink, silk-lined casket, carefully (and lovingly) picked out by my parents. And truth be told, if you had asked me, then, or even now, I couldn’t have told you unequivically that the body I was looking at, belonged to that of my beloved sister.  But in retrospect, I suppose that single bullet to her head would have changed her beautiful face, wouldn’t it?

And still, perhaps that’s one reason it’s been so hard to come to terms with her death – even after all this time. And maybe deep down, I have never believed it could have been her, despite the improbable – impossible odds, that it could have been anyone else.

Only someone who’s experienced the same could understand the gamut of emotions that run through one’s mind and the need to find reasons or the frustration of when you don’t. I know that. In my head I know that, but in my heart, I cannot possibly get past my pain, and my tears to fully try to understand it in any other way.

So anyway, it’s August and I’ve had a hard time updating my blog. But the more that I think about it, maybe I do know the reason after all.

Take my last job – actually you could, but seriously, you wouldn’t want it! For eight years I was in denial – looking at everything through rose-colored glasses and thinking I was in the best place possible. Oh sure – I had heard my share of horror stories during my time there- but that was from the “ex’s” -  ex employees who were bitter and more than happy to share the gory details of their past mistakes and how they were wronged.  But I thought I was different and if I proved myself to be loyal, it would never happen to me. Sound familiar?

Now, it’s not the actual laying off, or the break-up that I have a problem with. When a situation causes a change in the relationship, sometimes it just can’t be helped. I mean, after all, economies change and so do people. But to callously cast someone aside like last week’s newspaper with no thought as to their feelings, is pretty dispicable. I know that happens a lot. Any time you’ve given a part of yourself to someone or something – whether it be your time and devotion and/or your heart and your soul, it should count, and it should be of some worth, or importance.

At first you’re in a daze – walking in a dream-like state because it feels like you are in a dream.  When the reality of the situation suddenly hits you, often times depression sets in. There are the days that you can’t even get out of bed. You intended to, but you threw on a slip and that’s as far as you got.  And tears, from where ever they come, hurt the same – and the shame and loneliness that often follows can go on for months – years in some cases. Because how can you feel you really matter, when obviously, when it was so obvious you didn’t.

Then, as if enough wasn’t enough – some people turn to food for solace – or to pass the time – either is just as damaging. And now your problem just got bigger, because who would choose an overweight candidate over a trim and confident person who looks like they have the world by the tail?

Finally the day will come that you know you’ve suffered enough and it’s time to move on. You package your pain and you put it away, wiser, knowing you have joined the ranks of those who’ve learned the same lessons before you.

So yes, layoff’s and breakups – I’ve been through them both, and trust me – in the end – and in most cases, you will eventually find something, or someone that was better than what got left behind.

Ira’s doing great. His business is finally taking off and he is constantly getting calls for quotes. He’s getting a lot of referrals which means his current customers like him a lot. I’m really proud of him and glad he’s not still working with our lame-ass brother-in-law who never appreciated his hard work and never contributed any of his own.  There’s a lot more I could say about him, but I’ll leave it at that – I’m hoping karma will take care of that for me.

Aside from work Ira’s been going to the gym with me and we’ve gotten a nice routine going.  I’m on one of the eliptical machines and he swims. My machine overlooks the swimming pool so I can actually watch him and when Amelia’s with, her too. 

I always say life is not fair and here’s an example. I am on that god-awful bike for 55 minutes each time and I’m not just pedaling for fun – I’m doing 60 + pedals per minute at a grueling resistance of 9 – which is the second highest resistance you can choose. Ira swims for an average of 15 – 20 minutes, sits in the steam room for  20 - 25 minutes and then takes enjoys a 10 – 15 minute shower. All the while I am pedaling my butt off. And guess who’s losing weight faster? Not me!

Amelia’s been doing great in her swimming class – she has gone from Polywog 1, to Polywog 2, to Guppy, to Minnow and is now in Fish. She’s hoping to graduate to Shark after this class ends. That little girl loves the water, just like her daddy, but is a little timid of it at times, just like me. I’m sure she’ll surpass my swimming skills by the end of the summer if she hasn’t already.

Amelia’s also been horseback riding all summer and is in riding camp this week. On Friday she’s in a competition so we’re driving to Rochester to watch her. I’m getting off early for work and Papa John is joining us along with her mom Lori, Grandma’s Susan and Judy and Grandpa’s Leigh, and Daniel. She’ll be so excited to show off her skills and we’ll all be excited to take pictures and videos and cheer her along!

Let’s see. What about me?  I’ve got so many projects going at home and I need to find time to do them – Kelsey’s DVD is finished but needs to be printed and mailed to her mom so she can hand them out. I’m so overdue for that and I feel terrible that it’s taken so long.  I’ve got so much organizing to do at home and I still haven’t completely finished my spring cleaning. I need to shampoo the carpets and oh my gawd – there’s so much I get tired just thinking of it all!

I’ve also got to finish this blog and determine what to do with my Live Journal one. And in talking to my new friend Lori the other day, I realized I no longer have my old blog entries on my hard drive. That really upset me and I need to go through all my old cd’s and put it back on. A lot of my life was in those entries and I need to get them back.

Ira and I are still in a financial mess after both of us being laid off and our brother-in-law running off with all the money he gave him for the down payment on the other business – plus the loans he took out to purchase stuff for it. People keep telling us things will turn around – and I know they will – but in the meantime we will have lost so much, that it will take forever to get back to where we were. This has been a whirlwind of a last few years. *sigh*

Yesterday’s mail contained a letter from Sarah. Sarah is the first girlfriend that Jeren was ever really serious about and we say she’s the one that got away. Her letter was filled with chit chat about the camp where she works as a counselor and the ups and downs of things that are happening with her.  As of recently she’s started talking to Jeren again but her letter made no mention of it. I don’t dare ask her anything, but I can’t help but hope there might be a chance at reconciliation. *crosses fingers*  I’m going to send her a care package this weekend to get her along a little bit. Regardless of whether her and Jeren ever become a couple again, we’ve always decided we were “keeping” her! 

I’m still loving my new Evo phone. God, I love technology. As much as I say I would love to have been born in the 50′s and experienced all those great 60′s songs first-hand, I would never give up being born in a time when all this new new technology has evolved. I will first and foremost always be a geek at heart I guess.

Discovered Photo Bucket this week at work and am excited to find time to start utilizing it. Watch for some really cool slide shows to come – and maybe even a little video!

I miss Scarlett. I wonder if she’ll ever know how much I love her.