Eddie – rest in peace

It has been a busy and sad week and I dread knowing what disaster Friday might bring about.

On Sunday I went to a spa with my friend Eshaka and was burned when the sauna-type machine jammed and over-heated. What was supposed to be a relaxing 15 minutes in a hot sauna pod, turned out to be a 15 minutes of pure burning hell in a pod with a temperature that wouldn’t be lowered. It was horrible and I still have the small blisters to remember it.

Then on Tuesday, Mister Snickers ripped off one of his toenails and I had to bring him to the doctor. Ouch! Not only for him, but for me too when the vet tech showed me the estimate of services! Thankfully Papa John helped me out and paid for the whole bill. Two thoughts: 1) It would have wiped out my checking account and 2) I’m totally in the wrong profession! Thank goodness his foot is healing, but he’s having a hard time with the cone he has to wear for the next week or so.

But the saddest of all happenings, came about today. I learned through another friend, that my dear friend Deb just lost one of her two sons. His funeral was yesterday and he was only 28. I am so dearly sad for her and her husband – how do you deal with something like that?

I can’t help but think back in time to when we are first given our tiny, precious bundles – a unique combination of ourself and the person we once gave of ourself. We gaze lovingly upon those innocent little bundles, never knowing what tragedies or good fortunes will befall them. It seems like it is a cruel joke if history is already pre-written and there we stand – oblivious, and more importantly, helpless to prevent the harms that could possibly befall our sweet babies.

I remember him – and I cry inside and out for my dear friend. I hope I am never tested in the way that she has been, because I don’t know that I could ever recover.

Friday fritterings

It’s Friday and by all means that should alone bring a smile to my face, but for some reason I’m having a hard time being happy today. There are so many things that happen in my life and I never seem to have time to write about them – and then there’s the whole book thing – my idea of self-therapy – write a book about all the things I’m still trying to recover from and when I’m all better, I’ll be the epitome of a normal -well-adjusted, happy (and sane) adult.

So it’s Friday and I have to be content with a few words to get the juices flowing and perhaps it’ll catch and tomorrow they’ll be more.  I’ve had a horrendous week – a family tragedy that is so incomprehensible that I can’t even bring myself to talk about it – although the media doesn’t seem to have a problem doing so.

It also happens to be Memorial Day weekend and I don’t have anything planned. We have had to watch every single penny for so long now, I can’t remember what it’s like to have disposable income or even money that isn’t ear-marked for a bill or a payment on something! “We’re in a tunnel,” I keep telling myself, “and all tunnels have an end.” Isn’t that right? If money is the root of all evil – what is NO money? Seriously!

I downloaded the coolest app for my IPhone. It’s called CamWow and I bet I’ve taken 100 self portraits. It’s what I do now when I’m bored. I’ve also discovered www.pixlr.com and www.phixr.com – two very cool online photo editors that are great for when you just wanna do something fun with your photos and don’t wanna spend a ton of time doing it. Try em if you haven’t already.

Snow day, don’t go away

We got some snow today! I am never in the least bit interested in snow at anytime of year, but February – I just want it gone. However this year winter’s been a little more bearable, because of a lot less snow than usual. And so today at work, I actually surprised myself a little as I glanced out the window, and against the backdrop of a soft blue-grey sky, behind our Capitol building, saw hundreds of big, fluffy flakes of snow, slowly gliding downward, and I smiled! It really was a pretty sight!

I doubt that in a few more weeks I will be able to muster the same emotion.


God bless

Whitney Houston died yesterday. It was a huge shock to me – and I suppose the rest of the world – but my biggest emotion was sadness. I was reminded when Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson died and years before that, Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe… there are more than a few. Sensitive people whose daily lives were chronicled in the weekly tabloids and every movement, every mistake, every mis-judgement, were captured on camera by bottom-feeding vultures we call paparizzi. Those non-human creatures who profit off the heartbreaks and shame of others, by splashing it all over the world so more like them can join in their cruel ridicules and unfair criticisms.

People say it is the price you pay for fame, but I think that is not a price – it is a prospective death sentence for those whose tender hearts are not heavily-armored in the protective material you need to block off the hate and jealousy of others.

God bless Whitney Houston. God bless all of them.


Looking back and looking ahead

Who would think a blog is so hard to keep up with! Today I am upgrading my site and getting things in order – there are so many things I want to try to set up and so little time to do them. Looking ahead in 2012, there are a lot of things I will be tackling.

Ira is doing good now and looking for a new career path after some life-changing events that befell him. Two months ago, he was forced to give up truck-driving. Being on the road alone for so many hours at a time was not good for him. He had too much time to think and all the bad memories of his childhood and the bad experiences with his family in the last few years, finally got to him and he suffered a break-down of sorts. Thank goodness Papa John was able to help. He left the warm temperatures of Florida to stay with us for a month, endurring our more chillier ones while he helped me get Ira the help he needed. Ira’s sister Beth was a big help too, letting Ira know she was there and that she understood his feelings. So after a month of intense counseling and deep soul searching he is preparing himself for a new life – and hopefully an improved and healthier one.

As for me, my time at Education Minnesota will total three years this upcoming week. What a mixed bag that is! I still love where I work – and I’m doing something good in the world – helping to advocate for Minnesota teachers at a time when many politicians are against them. And when I think of the dysfunction at my previous job and the unbelievably unfair treatment that was doled out daily by its co-founders, I know I’m lucky to be where I am. My two bosses are fair and understanding and I am never blind-sided by unrealistic expectations or off the wall demands. But deep down, I have to admit there is this part of me that knows I am missing something – I’m not sure what – but there is definitely something amiss and I hope I can find what it is before too much time goes by.

I had heard Scarlett was out of town over the holidays, so I waited, and finally two weeks ago I mailed her a package. I included another recorded book. This time it was, “You Are My Sunshine,” and I sang it to her like I did the Rudolph one I sent last holiday season. And at the end I said I would always love her. I hope Yas let her have my presents and that they didn’t get tossed or given away. I never know with Yas, but that doesn’t stop me from trying.

In addition to the books, I included a small weaving loom and lots of weaving material so she can make lots of potholdersand placemats. It makes me smile to imagine that. 🙂 I also sent a Charley Brown holiday book with music (even the holiday is long over) plus some treats. As I packaged it all up I remember hoping with all my heart that Scarlett will know she is always remembered and that I am not a bad person despite what she’s been told by her mom.

I think back when Yas first called me and asked if I wanted to know when her baby girl was born. I remember firmly saying no, without a moment’s hesitation. Obviously shocked, Yasmina asked me to explain so I told her there were a few things I knew without doubt. I said that I knew her baby would be beautiful and perfect, just like she was – and I also knew I’d fall in love with her at first sight, like I did with her. And as sure as I knew that, I knew that without a doubt she would not think twice about keeping her from me should she ever get the whim. I ended by saying I also knew the pain of that would kill me.

“No,” Yasmina promised over and over, and it wasn’t until after hours and hours of talking into the wee hours of that morning, that she convinced me to trust her so that I finally agreed to join her at the hospital.

And so I was. At the hospital. And so I did. Fall in love with Scarlett at first site. And so she did. Take her away from me at a moment’s whim. But surprisingly so, I was wrong about the rest. I didn’t die. I stayed alive. But the truth is that for the past three years, I have spent every single day of them missing the little girl who is everything I knew she would be. Knowing that Yasmina lied to everyone about what she was mad about hasn’t helped either, but I’ll keep hoping that one day Scarlett will know me for what I really am.

Jeren is doing good. He has an apartment now and trying to be more responsible. My youngest son took a while to get where he is, but I’m happy that it finally happened. There was a time I seriously wondered! Mychal is busy with his life and I’m sad to say that it doesn’t include a mom. And Mathew is still too hurt and angry to want to come to terms with anything to do with me. The sad reality of that is that after all this time I’m just too tired to keep trying to get through to either of them.

Myrtle Anabelle at nine, is finally starting to show her age. Bossy as ever, we only joke when we call her a bully. Ira and I think she deserves everything she wants because she’s given us so much over the years. But I dread the coming times and I can’t help but wonder if next year’s posts will include anectdotes about our oldest baby. Mister Snickers is not far behind and I wonder about him a little too. Thankfully Chanel is doing great and miniature poodles have a much longer life-expectancy than Saint Bernards or Boxers.

That is it for now. Till next time.


Happy Holidays


Getting on

It’s a Sunday morning and I’m sitting in my newly rearranged living room trying to decide how to spend my day. I KNOW how I SHOULD spend it, and I sure as hell know how I’d LIKE to spend it, and hopefully I can find a compromise that fills the needs of both!

We didn’t get Amelia this weekend and that always makes for somewhat of a letdown- if nothing else, a boring weekend. She’s spending time at Grandma Judy’s house and I guess we Jeren called me Friday and was in a bit of a “rent mess” and wondered if we could help him out. Yes I could – but to tell the truth, it was a case of, we’d rather be late for something than let him down. He is the only one who pays attention to me although in truth, I’d help any of them out  – except maybe Jas – she has done way too much, told way too many lies, costed me and Ira more than she’ll ever know,  and had too many chances for me to make amends at the drop of a hat.

But enough of that. Today is not for looking back – I have far too much to decide and to do.  Here is my list.

  • I want a griddle – making pancakes is too hard in a pan. I know a griddle will help me produce mouth-watering and healthy breakfasts. So shopping for a griddle is on my list.
  • I need to do laundry – my pinks are getting low and this is definitly a weekend job.
  • I need to vacuum – Anabelle’s shedding and there is hair all over the place.
  • I need to fix my Toshiba – it got shut off in the middle of MS updates and now doesn’t recognize the system drive.
  • I need to get my information off the above mentioned Toshiba – my holiday card address have not been transferred to my new laptop.
  • I need to dance to the new Grease Dance game that Ira bought me.
  • I need to read my Google Analytics book for work – add to that my WordPress and Joomla books.
  • I need to walk the dogs.

That’s it so far. So let’s get on with my day.

October’s over. Now what?

It’s the weekend and I’ve been playing our X-Box with Amelia. We downloaded a trial version of “Grease Dance” and were practicing the moves for the “Greased Lightening” song. It was so much fun, because she loves it as much as I do!  Wonder if I’ll lose a little weight doing this! After a few hours on it, we’re both really anxious to get the full version!

In a few days I’ll have the consultation with my cardiologist. I’m in limbo till then – trying to hope for the best, while preparing myself for whatever she says. I’ve been through a lot and so far have always been able to overcome anything that’s happened to me so hopefully  this will be the same. ::crossing fingers::

So far this weekend, I’ve gotten Mister Snickers and Chanel groomed, did some shopping. got Scarlett’s Halloween surprise mailed, shopped for groceries and am just preparing to go out to dinner and then return home to make lasagne for a co-worker.  Will be a busy evening before I get to bed, I can already tell.  🙂 October is nearly over. I can’t help but wonder, what’s next?


Behind me

Lots of things are behind me these days.  My oral surgery is nearly healed and soon I’ll be able to eat anything I want.  I am experiencing little to no pain and because of that, my migraines are nearly gone as well.  And after today, my stress test is behind me and all that’s left to do, is wait for the results.

I have a four-day work week, and a weekend to go until I hear.  On the one hand, I’m nervous, but on the other, I just want it to be over with – dealing with something, I can deal with – but dealing with the unknown, is scary.

I called my sister today. foolish me – I thought she would put her petty differences behind, but as usual, I underestimated her ability to hold a grudge and to care about me more than she hates Mel. She just can’t get over the fact that I didn’t divorce him when she did, and after telling me that, she hung up.

That was the last straw for me. I’m tired of it all. It’s been a year since I’ve talked to my mom and longer with my brothers – if you can call them that. And I’m done with conditional and on and off relationships. Someone told me once that often times it’s the people you love the most, that are the most toxic to you. That has always resinated with me because it’s so true in my case. Seems like my tooth surgery isn’t the only thing I’m leaving behind.

Till next time,


The best

Last Thursday I had oral surgery – should have been a slam dunk, but just my luck, it’s been nothing short of hell. Pain from my surgery triggered a migraine that lasted three entire days. And then the migraine got so intense that I couldn’t hold anything down, which included the pain medicine for my jaw and the antibiotic medicine I was prescribed. That resulted in a lack of healing, which brought on more pain, which only intensified the throbbing, which intensified the migraine, that induced the vomiting, which caused…. do you get where I’m going with this?

It was a vicious circle that resulted in Ira rushing me to the emergency room with another of my migraine ordeals and six hours of poking, prodding, needles, and an array of machines testing everything you can think of. Okay – maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it felt like it.

After I talked to a doctor about my symptoms, he left, and a series of nurses and technicians returned with all sorts of wires, needles, and machines on wheels.  I was dehydrated so an IV was inserted in one arm, while blood was drawn from another, and then a shot of Novocain was painfully inserted into my gums. I was hooked up to a machine that checked my blood pressure every ten minutes, and an ECG machine that monitored my heart rate. Finally I was given three shots of something that once combined, would relieve me of my migraine, (don’t know what it was, and truth be told, didn’t care at that point), and honestly, I nearly cried when it worked. For the first time in three days, I was pain free, and gawd, did that feel good.

But then, the doctor returned and told Ira and I that an abnormality showed up in my heart scan and that I need to see a cardiologist about it this week. What was detected was a “left bundle branch block.” Talk about going from a high to a low. So I made an appointment for tomorrow and hopefully things will look a little brighter.

After looking that up, I’m a little scared if you want to know the truth, but I’m hoping for the best like I always do. It might answer a few questions I’ve had though about  a few things going on with me.  I guess I have to wait and see.

Too pure to be pink?
Coco Chanel
"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.”
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